To Change, Not Forget

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany. Okay, it wasn’t the caliber of a biblical enlightenment, but it did open my eyes.

My laptop started acting up, which was a big deal considering as a writer my computer is key to my emotional stability. If my computer is on the fritz, then so am I.

Luckily, I had The Picky Eater’s laptop, which was a newer, faster version compared to mine. I saved all of my work to an external hard drive, so it was just a matter of unplugging it from one computer and attaching it to the other. I was back in business.

The Picky Eater and I shared the office from the day I moved into the apartment. I worked from a small antique secretary desk that my mom did her homework on during her middle school days. He used a huge L-shaped desk he bought secondhand from an accounting office for $35. The desk was is great shape, and was old enough that the L section dropped down a few inches so a large electrical typewriter would fit on top. He loved that desk.

Each morning I would start work in the office still in my pajamas. The Picky Eater worked overnight as a courier, so he would sleep until around noontime…if I was lucky. To make sure he stayed asleep, I would wait to get dressed for the day, thus lessening the risk of waking him up.

You see, when the Picky Eater woke up, he would come into the office, give me a hello kiss, sit down at his desk, and turn on the small TV sitting on top. Bless his heart, he would try to be quite, turning the volume down so low I wondered how he could hear it. The problem wasn’t the TV. It was the conversation. No matter how focused I was on my work, with my fingers flying as quickly as possible across the keyboard, he would always talk to me. Half the time I was concentrating so intently I didn’t hear him. Or he would ask me a question, which I wouldn’t answer until I finished typing a thought. At first that would frustrate him, but once he figured out the reason, he would be patient for my answer.

As you might guess, once he woke up, I didn’t get a lot of work done.

Now, sitting at his desk and using his computer were both comforting and bittersweet. Since he passed away last year, I used his desk primarily to pay bills and write notes. When I started teaching writing workshops, I would sit there to prepare for my classes. Otherwise, the bulk of my time in the office was spent at my desk.

My tiny desk…with my papers balanced precariously on top of the file cabinet next to it…with my notes crowded around the computer, making it hard to move the mouse…with its view of the wall and the curtains blocking the window.

 

Verses The Picky Eater’s desk, with it’s wide-open space and my favorite view looking out the window, through a couple of buildings and over the Quincy Street Station, to the rolling, tree-covered hills that will soon change from various shades of deep green to the colorful display of autumn.

Why was I continuing to use this tiny desk when there was a huge one available with a much better view?

Epiphany!

Why hadn’t it occurred to me to make the switch sooner? I can only guess it was because, in my heart, it was still The Picky Eater’s desk. And it always will be, but now it’s mine, too.

The desk is now home to my writing books and papers…

My favorite coffee cup and water glass…

His note of encouragement to me and my favorite photo of him…

The Augusta National Golf Club (home of The Masters) coasters he got as a present from his son, and the picture of Jonathan and Jennifer Hart (Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers from the TV show Hart to Hart) that he bought because they reminded him of us (in love, yes! In wealth, not so much)…

His championship bowling trophy and Jack Nicklaus persimmon-wood driver sit along side…

Now the bill-paying and note-writing take place on the smaller desk, and my work at the big one.

I think The Picky Eater would be happy with the change.

I know I’m happy looking at the lovely, calming view. 

Cinnamon Coffee Cake

Comfort…warmth…memories. 

All these come to mind with a whiff of cinnamon.

For many years, I have sprinkled a little cinnamon on my coffee grounds to flavor my morning cup. Even in the summer, I will make cinnamon coffee to wrap myself in this aroma that inspires images of crisp autumn air, brilliant blue sky, colorful leaves, pumpkin pie, and Christmas cheer. As the seasons change, the more cinnamon coffee starts my day.

Ever since The Picky Eater passed away last year, I drink cinnamon coffee almost every day.

 

I often wondered why I find this spice so comforting. Then I read The Cake Therapist by Judith Fertig. The main character, pastry chef Claire “Neely” O’Neil, can read people’s feelings through flavors. Then she customizes a delicious confection in the flavor to fit the person. In the book, her character explained:

 “When I lived in New York and went to Chinatown, I learned that these flavors and their meanings were actually a foundation of ancient Chinese medicine.

           

Salty translated to fear and the frantic energy that tries to compensate for it or hide it.

            

Sweet was the first flavor we recognized from our mother’s milk, and to which we turned when we were worried and unsure or depressed.

            

Sour usually meant anger and frustration.

            

Bitter signified matters of the heart, from simply feeling unloved to the most overwhelming loss of a great love. Most spices, along with coffee and chocolate, had some bitterness in their flavor profile. Even sugar, when it cooked too long, turned bitter. But to me, spice was for grief, because it lingered longest.”

In the book, Neely associates cinnamon with remembering.

Perhaps my longing for cinnamon makes sense.

During one scene in the book, the characters enjoyed a sour cream coffee cake full of cinnamon, and I knew I had to make one myself. This recipe is inspired by one I found from Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa. I like how she baked it in a tube pan instead of a bundt or cake pan. However, I wanted more cinnamon flavor than I found in her recipe. And I didn’t have sour cream on hand, but yogurt worked just as well.

This coffee cake is moist, flavorful, and delicious. I shared it with some of my neighbors, and they

agreed.

I see myself making it often in the future.

Cinnamon Coffee Cake

Serves 8 to 10

For streusel:

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

2 teaspoons cinnamon

4 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into cubes

1/2 cup chopped pecans

For cake:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon

12 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

1 1/2 cups sugar

3 large eggs

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

1 1/4 cups plan whole-milk yogurt

For glaze:

1 cup confectioners’ sugar

2 tablespoons milk

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter and flour a 10-inch tube pan. Set aside.

To make the streusel: Place all of the ingredients except the pecans into a bowl. Using your fingers, a pastry cutter, or two knives, break up the butter bits into the rest of the ingredients until crumbly. Stir in the pecans. Set in the refrigerator until needed.

To make the cake: In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, kosher salt and cinnamon until well combined. Set aside.

In the bowl of a stand mixer with a paddle attachment, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, until blended. Mix in the vanilla and the yogurt. Turn the mixer speed to low and slowly add the dry ingredients, and blend until just combined. Scrape the side and bottom with a spatula to make sure all of the ingredients are blended.

Remove the streusel from the refrigerator. Spoon half of the cake batter into the prepared tube pan and smooth into an even layer. Sprinkle in half of the streusel mixture, and then spoon the remaining cake batter into the pan. Sprinkle the remaining streusel mixture over the top. Place in the oven and bake until a cake tester comes out clean, 45 to 55 minutes.

Allow the cake to cool in the pan for 30 minutes. To make the glaze: Whisk together the confectioners’ sugar, milk and vanilla until smooth. The mixture should be slightly runny.

Remove the cake from the plan onto a serving dish or cake stand. Drizzle the glaze over the top.